Who is a true friend -- someone who gives you what you want, or someone who tries to give you what you really need? I say it's the latter; and that what makes David Landau -- Editor-in-Chief of Haaretz, Israel's "thinking man's" newspaper -- a true friend of Israel. Because he knows what Israel really needs, and deep down, really wants: To be raped. That's right, raped -- repeatedly, and without mercy. Landau is not ashamed or afraid to proclaim this publicly, and to demand it from foreign officials: In a September 10 meeting with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice together with about 20 leading Israeli public figures, Landau told Condi in no uncertain terms that Israel is a "failed state" that needs to be "raped" by the U.S.:
David Landau, Editor-in-Chief of Haaretz
"Israel wants to be raped... [This has] always been my wet dream... I implore you... Rape [Israel] into resolving the problem [of the occupation]."
Needless to say, this is precisely what I, and many other progressive people, have been thinking for years. But until now, nobody with the stature of Mr. Landau has had the guts to say it out loud to a senior American official. Futhermore, when challenged by snide reporters later on, Landau did not try to weasel out or retract what he had said: He proudly confirmed that he used the "R" word with Condi, and proclaimed again that getting raped is what Israel really wants -- and that he'd love to watch it happen.
I heartily agree, as do many others. (Landau pointed out that several professors who were present at the meeting came over to give him a yasher koach for his gutsy comments.) It would be a "wet dream" for me, too, to see Israel get raped by the U.S. Even better yet, the U.S. should get the E.U. and Russia in on the action, and turn it into a gang rape. It's what Israel deserves, big time, and it's heartening to see that the editor of Israel's most respected newspaper agrees.
But wait -- here's the most amazing part of all about David Landau: He's a religious Jew! Yes, you heard me right: He has a yeshiva education, he wears a big black kippa (not a tiny little beanie like Avrum Burg), and he lives in the ultra-orthodox Har Nof neighborhood of Jerusalem. He's a blatantly obvious, outwardly visible frummie -- who has absolutelty no inhibitions about publicly announcing his "wet dream" of getting Israel raped. The entire world hears him say this stuff, with his big black yarmulke. Imagine how embarrassed he must make all the RW Orthodox types. You can practically hear them all moaning, "Oy, what hillul hashem!" I mean, is that cool, or what?! I love this guy! He's even better than that haredi woman who ran for the Knesset on the Meretz list. We need more dossim like David Landau.
Of course, demanding Israel's rape while wearing a kippa is hardly the only thing Landau has done to earn my praise. He has consistently taken advantage of his position as editor of Israel's most respected daily to skillfully manipulate the news, and to advance the careers of those politicians who wisely adopted the right policies: At a Jewish conference in Moscow several months ago, Landau courageously revealed that he and Haaretz had "wittingly soft-pedalled" and even covered up corruption by Israeli political leaders -- including prime ministers Ariel Sharon and Ehud Olmert -- as a reward (and an incentive) for those leaders' policies that advanced the peace process. Futhermore, he proudly explained that he was currently using his editorial powers to suppress information about Olmert's criminal activities, so as "to ensure that Olmert goes to Annapolis". And it is an impressive testament to Landau's success in protecting the Israeli public from this information, that Olmert survived in office, and did indeed go to Annapolis.
Regarding the rape issue, of course, we should be wary of getting our hopes up too high: While the Bush Administration has been upping it's pressure and criticisms against Israel, I'm not holding my breath in anticipation of Dubya and Condi providing anything as satisfying as a full-fledged rape. Nevertheless, I'm cautiously optimistic that following this year's Presidential elections, we may finally be treated to a genuine, hardcore, graphically explicit rape of Israel by the new Administration. A rape from which Israel will emerge severely degraded and humiliated, having been taught the hard way that she's America's bitch from now on.
Kol hakavod, David Landau. Kudos to you for not being afraid to keep damaging information out of the news, for having the courage to tell the U.S. Secretary of State about your "wet dream" (and mine), and for being a role model for me and so many others.
Well, I hope that this corrects any misperceptions that some of you have had about my attitude toward Israel. In the future, I hope to do more posts in honor of other Israelis that I look up to as heroes.
